One of my earliest memories is of sitting watching Top of the Pops and singing along to 'The Only Way is Up'. I don't know whether it is the tune that means I remember it, or whether it was the wonderfully upbeat lyrics, or maybe a combination of both.
Whatever it was I feel that I must, sadly, report that Yazz and her associates were wrong. The only way is not up. There is also down. Down definitely happens, and I have become rather more familiar with that than I would like. There is also weird switch to parallel universe type feeling. Then there is something happens that completely throws you and for a while you don't know your up from your down. And then there is something else happens and you shuffle to the left or right a bit and you don't really know whether you are down because of whatever that thing is, or because you are depressed.
As I am discovering, and probably am far too aware of, the human mind is an incredibly complicated thing. So too is the human body. Having days where you wake up and feel miserable is a pain but I am almost now at a point where I can go 'ok, I've woken up feeling rubbish, I'll be kind to myself, take things slower, and I know that this will pass'. What is a bit more confusing is the day when you wake up and feel rubbish, but then realise that there is more at play. Not only is your mood down, but also you have picked up the cold that everyone around you has had and the back of your throat has decided to resemble something not dissimilar to gravel.
Now at this point am I feeling crap because anyone would feel crap and I've got a cold? Or am I feeling crap because I'm having a depressed 'down day'? Or is it a mixture of the two?
It's probably the latter I guess. And probably the same principles apply: be kind to myself, take it steady. But with the added delight of lemsip (bought in powder form so I can't take lots at once, and even I wouldn't start snorting the horrible stuff!).
The thing is that I had (very begrudgingly) accepted that getting better and dealing with depression would have its up days and its down days. 'Two steps forward, one step back' hasn't exactly been a mantra over the summer, but definitely something that I have got used to. Sometimes it has been 14 steps forward, then one back. It's ok because I know that I am making progress in an upwards direction.
What is now becoming an interesting thing to deal with is that the steps forward and steps back have been joined by a bit of a shove sideways. Which does lead to part of my mind wanting to scream out 'Oh for f**k's sake, really?!?'.
I suppose this is just the result of there being no perfect metaphor for depression, or for describing the feelings associated with depression. It does show the limitations of trying to explain. But for what it is worth I would re-title Yazz's song 'There are very many ways that things can go, but if they are generally speaking going in an upwards fashion the majority of the time then that is probably something to enjoy and be happy about.'
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