What do I mean by down?

WARNING: If you are someone who is suffering from depression or has suicidal thoughts then please take care in reading this post. As always I write purely from my own point of view and my own experiences, but these may trigger similar thoughts in others. If you in any way feel that this might be the case for you then please do read this with someone else or at a time when you feel more comfortable doing so.

In response to my most recent blog post I received a quite lengthy comment. Within that comment was a question about whether it is possible when I am feeling down for me to realise that the 'bad feeling' will go. The short answer is that frequently, when I'm at my worst, 'no' - I can't do that. It struck me that this is probably another aspect of depression that could do with an explanation.

When I feel incredibly depressed - what I refer to as 'down' - it feels like there is nothing good. When I talk in my other posts about crying and being inconsolable it is because on those occasions I have ended up feeling like there is no point. That there is nothing I can do to change anything. I can't change me life and I can't change my feelings. That I am trapped. That there is simply no joy in the world whatsoever. It feels like there is nothing worth living for.

Imagine that feeling that you get in the pit of your stomach when something truly bad happens. That initial stab of pain when you discover that a relative or close friend has died. That horrible inexplicable feeling of loss and sadness. It is a feeling that is difficult to describe because (in my experience) it is a feeling of sheer emptiness. Often people refer to it as a feeling in the pit of their stomach.

Now try to imagine that that feeling doesn't get replaced by happy thoughts about that person's life and fond memories. It doesn't get replaced with a sense of acceptance. That initial hurt just stays. And the pain and fear that you feel stay as well.

Now take that feeling and take away the reason. Nothing in particular has happened at all. You were just getting on with your day. And then it is there. A feeling of sheer emptiness and an absence of hope. A feeling that nothing is right. That you can't change it or make it better. A feeling of sheer despair and pain.

And nothing shakes it. A friend can sit with you and tell you that it'll pass. But you simply can't believe them. And what's worse you are convinced that they are wrong. You can't imagine feeling any differently to how you do at that moment in time. Scared and alone and trapped in your own mind and feelings. Sometimes you can't even engage with the thought that one day in the past, at some point, you did actually smile. You can look at the friend with you and try and remember when you last had a good time with them, when you were laughing. But all of that feels like it was something that happened to someone else. Or you were pretending to be happy back then. The fear and darkness that has crept up on you is the 'real world' for you. And no one can convince you otherwise.

If you are by yourself then the situation can often be worse. In my case because I just want to stop that feeling of emptiness. It is so powerful and overwhelming and intense and you just want it to stop. You want to be out of that horrible place in your mind where you are so completely trapped. You want to go to sleep and never wake up - just so that you can escape from the complete and utter desolation that you are feeling. And so you take anything you can to try and knock yourself out and to escape.

In that place all rational thought has gone. All that matters is how you feel. And in my case I feel worthless and alone and that my being me is so thoroughly pointless. It is like something else has taken over your mind and taken it away from you. Someone else is doing your thinking. Your mind is not yours anymore.

Over time that feeling does pass. Luckily, for me, I have never done myself any significant damage while it has had hold of me. Although I can't attribute that to my own ability to prevent myself or to do anything rational - that is very much down to other people who have cared for me and have quite literally held onto me when I was all to willing to just let go.

For me feeling 'down' now happens less often than it did. But when I have had a series of 'good' days or even weeks, I do sometimes get scared about when and where the next 'down' will happen. Because I know that when it does I am near helpless.