Everyone's different

What I have tried very hard to do when I am writing is to emphasise that people will and do experience depression in different ways. I do not hold myself out as the font of all knowledge when it comes to depression. Nor do I consider myself to be a typical person who has suffered from depression. I am simply a person who has had depression, and who has gone through various experiences because of that.

The one thing I know for certain is that at every single stage of my personal journey I have been met by understanding and a lack of understanding in equal measure. I do not criticise anyone. I have had friends who have been more supportive than I ever would have anticipated. But I also feel that at every stage of my journey there have been people who don't get it.

And the absence of understanding even presents itself at this point - recovery.

I consider myself to be a very lucky individual. I am finding ways to deal with my depression which means that I now feel as good as I did when I was fourteen. This is more than I could ever have hoped for, and I had almost given up hope that I could have this much calm and confidence ever again. But I know that what is true for me is not the same as for everyone else. One of my grandmothers suffered with depression all her life. It was only at her funeral that I got the opportunity to talk to people who had known her as a young woman. The people I talked to described a vivacious charismatic woman who I sadly never knew. I know from seeing her that depression can be with someone right up until the day they die.

I don't think that will be the case for me, but I find that many people cannot understand that my depression can be treated and overcome.

And this is the most important thing about understanding depression: what is true for one person is not the same as for another. The only tangible analogy I can think up is that of cancer. And I hope that this will not offend or upset anyone. There are people who become horribly ill and never recover from cancer. It is terminal and there is nothing that anyone can do other than make the pain a little less and comfort someone. Then again, there are people who have cancers that are treated. They get better. They have to be checked up every now and again, but they are cured and they live long and happy lives.

To be entirely honest I almost fall into that later category. When I was 19 I had an operation to remove a phaeochromocytoma (an adrenaline producing tumour). While not technically classified as a cancer, a web search of phaeochromocytoma will bring up a list of 'rare cancer' websites. It was a tumour that could have given me a stroke or heart attack, and because of the hormones it caused to be produced the operation to remove it had to be carefully planned. I went into that operation with a realistic expectation that I might not come out the other side. But they did remove it. I did get better. And while I have to be checked every year to make sure I haven't grown another of the damn things, I am physically healthy.

I view my depression in the same way. It is something that can be treated. My therapy has flagged up for me that a lot of my problems have stemmed from going through a series of situations when I was younger and not talking about them. Not accepting that I was allowed to be unhappy or sad or grieve. Closing myself off from the world. As I learn to open up again the depression and the dark feelings have started to subside and I can finally feel like myself again.

Now I am not naive enough to think that the rest of my life will be perfect! There will be other situations in the future that may upset me. I can't know how I will deal with those, but I hope and trust I will deal with them better. And while maybe I will always have half an eye to check that the depression has not crept back, I will be able to live without it affecting my day to day life.

And that will be my story. Sadly it wasn't the story for my grandmother, for whom depression was always there. I can't tell you whether it will be the story for other people or not. I can only speak for myself. But the message I want to get across is that for as many different people as there are out there there are that many different experiences of depression. Everyone will go through it differently: it will have different causes, different effects, different outcomes. None of that means that what someone is going through is any less serious or deserving of attention.

I have been lucky in so many ways: the friends I have, the fact that I can be treated, the fact that after ten years of searching I have finally found my way back to myself. I hope other people can be as lucky. And for those who are not I simply pray that people will have more understanding.