Here I go again on my own...

For me this past week has seen a significant return to 'normality'. There have been less conversations about my depression and me, which I actually quite like! I have been spending more time talking to my friends about what they are up to. I have been talking about all sorts of things. The focus has been shifting away from depression and more back to normal life.

Work has been getting back to normal. Unlike the situation five months ago when I was unable to read basic paper work, I can now get through things quickly. I received a set of papers today and had worked out the answer in about 5 minutes, and was able to act on it with no anxiety, no distraction, no fear of failure. I was working again!

I have been going out. And going out without any fear that the people I see won't want to see me. Actually just being myself and relaxed in other people's company.

And all of this is great! There is no doubt about that.

But, as I wrote earlier in the month, it was never going to be the case that several years' worth of depression was going to be gone in a matter of months. There is a long way still to go.

Which leads me to where I am this evening - feeling absolutely shattered! (Again!)

My return to 'normality' while very welcome also means that I am doing a lot more, and doing things makes me tired! I have had four months when I haven't really been working properly and I have had a lot of time to rest. Now I am back to full on 'real life'.

And on top of real life there is also an awareness that I want to continue to be honest with myself and others about how I am feeling. Rather than hiding behind a veneer of being 'fine' I am trying to engage with how I actually feel about things. I am actually letting myself cry when I remember sad things. I am recognising when I am angry and not burying it. And that process in and of itself is hard work and tiring - mainly because it is new. Admittedly it is probably not as tiring as hiding it all was, but the change means that it takes a bit of thought and will power.

This is a new 'normality' for me. In some ways it's a new way of living life. There are new routines to learn. New thoughts. Working out how to live my life for myself and to put myself first. Sometimes it requires a bit of a double take. A bit of thinking. And that on top of normal everyday life means that I reach the end of this week feeling goddamn tired!!

And feeling tired is when I know I'm at my most vulnerable. It's when I'm liable to stop talking, to hide myself away, to not have the energy to reach out. It's when I find it hardest to do all the things that I know I should to keep myself on the right track.

So tonight - when I feel at my weakest - I'm writing here to remind myself that I need to have that ounce of energy to pick up the phone, to tell someone I don't feel quite ok, to do all the things I recommend other people do, to try and do as I've said not as I've done in the past. And I have to tell you changing the habit of a life time is hard work. But I'm not going to stop trying.