The best gift a girl can get

It's funny how things turn out. I was going to write a post last night. Yesterday was an iffy day and at one point I thought it would be a good idea to sit down and actually write to get some of the thoughts and feelings out of my head and into the ether. But I never quite got round to it.

And I'm actually glad that I didn't write yesterday. For a very simple reason: this morning when I woke up I felt happy!

It is difficult to describe how lovely it is when you have been feeling a bit down to wake up and feel happy. It feels like you have been given a gift. You don't know where it has come from. It is just there. It's the best present in the world.

So what is it that brings me this magical gift? Well in this case it was a decent night's sleep! 

I don't know why, but I am continually astonished by how much sleeping properly actually helps me to feel better. And it isn't just in terms of resting. I have been resting a lot recently. In fact, over the past week or so I have been positively lazy! But sleeping is different. I think that the difference is that when you sleep properly your head actually does a hell of a lot of sorting out.

Yesterday, while I was feeling fed up, I started regretting a decision that I made years ago. I can't exactly explain why I started regretting it. On any day when I feel ok I know that it was the right decision. I have also found (at the grand old age of 28!) that there is little point regretting things. Whatever decisions you make in life are the decisions you make at that point in time, because of what matters to you then and who you are then. You can't change them.  What you can do is change how you act in the future or do something on any day to change the direction you are going in. But regretting anything in the past is pretty much a waste of time!

The problem was yesterday I didn't have the strength of mind to think all of that. I just felt tired and fed up with how much effort I am having to put into sorting my head out. Constantly keeping an eye on myself and rejecting the thoughts that I don't what to have any more takes up a lot of energy some days. And yesterday, I was just tired and I had had enough.

But the good thing is that yesterday I was looked after and given the space to talk about how I felt. And was able to be completely honest about how I felt. I had a cup of tea, and a really nice dinner, and a beer. I let my mind settle so that it was empty. And then I slept. And it was the best night's sleep I've had in quite a while. And - the magic thing - is that I dreamt.

Dreaming is an odd thing. It's not always positive. I have been having a lot of nightmares recently. Some of them quite horrific, and worthy of being written into screenplays and sold to make good Halloween style horrors! And generally after those I wake up feeling out of sorts. But then there are the good dreams. I don't mean dreams where you are dating Brad Pitt (jury's still out on whether that would be a good dream or not, I'm still currently thinking not!). I mean dreams where you brain processes things. Where everything that has happened during the day gets sifted and sorted. For me it's almost like all the overlaid expectations and fears that I have to fight during the day get taken away, and my mind is open and honest about what I actually think about things. In this particular case my dreams showed me that the decisions that I have made were right, and that actually in my heart of hearts I know that.

And it meant this morning that I woke up and felt happy and content. That I am in the right place.

And that was the most wonderful gift in the world.

Life is a roller-coaster, you've just got to ride it

I find that I get a lot of comfort from the lyrics of songs. Some songs aren't so helpful: 'Who let the dogs out?' may be an important question, but it doesn't really give much emotional consolation. But most of my favourite songs are ones where the lyrics are so beautiful, or for that matter ugly, that they actually say something about being human and feeling. The one part of culture where society seems happy to let people actually feel and experience life is in song lyrics. As far as I can see it is one of the few places where we stop being so damn 'English' and can actually be honest. (To those who read this blog in other countries I hope you can appreciate what I mean by the 'Englishness' of all of this, and in typical English fashion I apologise!)

Today I find myself thinking about the lyrics of a song. It's not written by the best song-writer out there. To be frank any song where the word 'you' becomes 'you-hoo' doesn't match up to some of my favourite songs!! But there is an important point. And it is a point that one of my friends has made repeatedly to me - and she is very right about!

Life is a roller-coaster. It has ups and downs. For me at the moment the idea of dips or downs particularly resonates. Things will happen. And you can't get out mid-way and announce to the rest of the carriage that actually you don't much fancy doing this any more. You are strapped in and you are on that ride no matter what. But what I'm finding is that the way that you ride those dips is up to you.

You can shut your eyes and try and pretend they are not happening. But that is deceiving yourself. Those dips are happening, and you will feel them nonetheless. And the friend sat next to you will know damn well that they are happening! And if you turn round afterwards and claim they didn't they won't be too impressed with you!!

Or you can keep your eyes open and scream blue murder!! You can actually be aware of what is happening and see what is going on for what it is. For me opening my eyes like that is the scary bit. Actually being honest that there is a dip happening and I am riding it out. The screaming my head off is also a bit alarming. I feel like I'm making a scene. I worry the person next to me will think I'm nuts. I'm worried I'll deafen them! (I do have quite a pair of lungs on me!!) But what I am learning is that it is natural to actually scream (alright - in the real world to get upset and cry and hurt) and that all I have to do is grab onto the hand of the person next to me and hold on tight.

And maybe this is where Ronan's lyrics really come into their own. He says that you need to stop fighting. Arguably that is the most important thing that I am learning right now. I can't fight myself. (I have done before and look where that got me!) All I can do is be me and ride the ups and the downs, and try as much as I can to open my eyes and enjoy the ride. After all, the views from the top are absolutely stunning.

Why I'm a failure and am learning to be proud of it.

It is fair to say that for the past month or so I have been on a pretty even keel. I have been enjoying getting on with my life and doing things. It has all felt amazingly normal. And most importantly I have felt like myself and have been able to enjoy being me. I even started to find that I actually quite like myself!

I haven't been 100% all of the time. I have had a few small dips every now and again. Mainly when I've been talking to people about things that reminded me about stressful situations in the past. But even then I have been able to take myself away for ten or fifteen minutes, recognise what was going on, and remind myself of what actually matters and is important to me. I have also been incredibly lucky that on those occasions I have also had good friends who have sat with me and given me a hug while I've got myself out of it. 

And so, for a while, things have been fairly steady.

Even more positively not only have things been steady but other people have been noticing how much better I am and have been commenting on it. My main focus in getting better is me, rather than what anyone else thinks, but it is still always nice to receive a compliment or two. It doesn't hurt!

But the fact that things have been going so well is, I think, why the last 12 hours have been quite so painful. I have had the longest and most upsetting dip in a long time. There have been a few things that have come up which have really affected how I feel and were making me feel down. And I have felt guilt ridden and like a complete failure for not being able to pull myself out of it. I have ranted and railed against everything and everyone. And until a couple of hours ago it felt like the down just wouldn't go. I felt like I had taken the biggest step backwards. And I was scared. I didn't want to feel like that any more. That was old me, I wanted to be back to new me! I hardly slept last night and only finally managed to doze off at 5.30am. I hadn't been able to eat properly. I felt like a complete waste of space and like everything that I have done over the past few months had all been for nothing. Like I was back at square one all over again.

Now, I'm not writing this to alarm anyone. And I am not writing this to say that nasty dips are inevitable. I'm writing this because I'm not perfect. And therein lies the problem!

I have a tendency to fall into a pattern of trying to achieve things. I am incredibly academic and have (for the most part) had a very successful life from that point of view. I got the exam results I wanted. I got into the University I wanted to. I did a Masters degree. I have got into a highly competitive profession. I have achieved a lot. The thing is that I'm not quite so good at accepting the things about me that just happen and are part of my character. I have ended up basing almost all of my self-worth on achieving things. And therein lies a lot (possibly not all!) but a lot of my personal problem and the root of my depression.

Recently I had reached a point where I felt like I had achieved something as far the depression was concerned - I was getting better. And what's more other people were telling me I was getting better. I was getting an A* for progress and probably about an A for attainment! My report card was good!!

So no wonder it hit me like a tonne of bricks when I reacted to a couple of emotional and uncontrollable things and it sent me spiralling. And rather than just accepting that I was upset by those things all I could think, over and over again, was that I failed. I had let myself down. I had let my wonderful friends and family down. And I felt awful.

So in my attempt to not spiral any more here I am - telling the world - that over the past 12 hours I did fail! I am human. I screwed up. I missed some of the warning signs. I didn't take quite enough care of myself. I had an emotional reaction, which got the better of me. And I completely fell apart.

And rather than letting that make me feel awful I am going to accept that it happened. Things like this will happen now and again. It's just part of me and part of life. And I am lucky that those nasty dips are happening less and less frequently. And I am even more lucky that I have a fantastic group of friends who have stood by me through all of the ups and the downs and remind me of the things that I sometimes find it hard to remember and tell myself.

I know that Christmas can be a very tough time for people who have depression. There are a lot of expectations and pressures. For some reason people feel like they have to do Christmas the 'right' way. If you've read any of what I've written previously you'll know that I never presume to tell anyone else what to do, that's not my place, but I do want anyone else who is suffering to know that if it feels too much at the moment then you're not by yourself! Here's at least one other person who has found it all a bit too much to deal with. And actually that is understandable and normal and ok. We're all allowed an off day once in the while - you don't have to be perfect.

Also I have found that the Samaritans have been absolutely brilliant over the past 12 hours, especially when I needed to talk to someone at 2am. They're always there - 08457 909090.

P.S. Anything in this post which appears to be remotely wise comes from other people. They know who they are!

I wish that I knew what I know now...

Having made it to December it seems time to do what everyone seems to do at this time of year - look back on the past year and try and box it up a bit. (I actually find the preoccupation with end of year 'round ups' a bit irritating - it's just another month! - but it seems oddly appropriate given I haven't written for a while!)

I am going to slightly plagiarise a friend in terms of form (not in terms of content). Although I'm sure that they won't mind too much!

So here is a run down of things that I have learnt/observed during the past year, and mainly in the past 6 months or so:-

1. If you are feeling down all the time, it actually isn't normal.

2. Asking for help is not attention seeking

3. Wanting to look after yourself is not selfish

4. Talking to people can be the most important thing you can do

5. Good friends really will be there through absolutely anything
5a. Sometimes good friends need a bit of a break (they are only human!) but the best thing is that they come back again!!

6. Life will throw good and bad things at you, but it is nothing personal

7. Fennel tea is almost magic

8. Feeling good enough is not the same as feeling good

9. Being honest with yourself and facing up to problems is almost harder than being honest with other people and admitting you have a problem

10. Music is definitely magic

11. Important change happens slowly but taking the time is worth it

12. If you have depression who are not letting anyone down - you are poorly

13. Bicycle tyres are more likely to get punctures in the rain

14. No one can understand another person entirely, but that doesn't stop them caring

15. I am an incredibly impatient person!
16. Depression can make you feel and act in a way that you never normally would
17. Living with the consequences of 16 once you are feeling better can be hard
18. When people have got used to a 'depressed' version of you it can be quite hard to explain to them how you actually feel about things and that your outlook has changed, and some people find that hard to deal with
19. I wouldn't change the fact that I am getting better for anything in the world!
20. Sleep is not just magic - it's vital!!!