Why I'm a failure and am learning to be proud of it.

It is fair to say that for the past month or so I have been on a pretty even keel. I have been enjoying getting on with my life and doing things. It has all felt amazingly normal. And most importantly I have felt like myself and have been able to enjoy being me. I even started to find that I actually quite like myself!

I haven't been 100% all of the time. I have had a few small dips every now and again. Mainly when I've been talking to people about things that reminded me about stressful situations in the past. But even then I have been able to take myself away for ten or fifteen minutes, recognise what was going on, and remind myself of what actually matters and is important to me. I have also been incredibly lucky that on those occasions I have also had good friends who have sat with me and given me a hug while I've got myself out of it. 

And so, for a while, things have been fairly steady.

Even more positively not only have things been steady but other people have been noticing how much better I am and have been commenting on it. My main focus in getting better is me, rather than what anyone else thinks, but it is still always nice to receive a compliment or two. It doesn't hurt!

But the fact that things have been going so well is, I think, why the last 12 hours have been quite so painful. I have had the longest and most upsetting dip in a long time. There have been a few things that have come up which have really affected how I feel and were making me feel down. And I have felt guilt ridden and like a complete failure for not being able to pull myself out of it. I have ranted and railed against everything and everyone. And until a couple of hours ago it felt like the down just wouldn't go. I felt like I had taken the biggest step backwards. And I was scared. I didn't want to feel like that any more. That was old me, I wanted to be back to new me! I hardly slept last night and only finally managed to doze off at 5.30am. I hadn't been able to eat properly. I felt like a complete waste of space and like everything that I have done over the past few months had all been for nothing. Like I was back at square one all over again.

Now, I'm not writing this to alarm anyone. And I am not writing this to say that nasty dips are inevitable. I'm writing this because I'm not perfect. And therein lies the problem!

I have a tendency to fall into a pattern of trying to achieve things. I am incredibly academic and have (for the most part) had a very successful life from that point of view. I got the exam results I wanted. I got into the University I wanted to. I did a Masters degree. I have got into a highly competitive profession. I have achieved a lot. The thing is that I'm not quite so good at accepting the things about me that just happen and are part of my character. I have ended up basing almost all of my self-worth on achieving things. And therein lies a lot (possibly not all!) but a lot of my personal problem and the root of my depression.

Recently I had reached a point where I felt like I had achieved something as far the depression was concerned - I was getting better. And what's more other people were telling me I was getting better. I was getting an A* for progress and probably about an A for attainment! My report card was good!!

So no wonder it hit me like a tonne of bricks when I reacted to a couple of emotional and uncontrollable things and it sent me spiralling. And rather than just accepting that I was upset by those things all I could think, over and over again, was that I failed. I had let myself down. I had let my wonderful friends and family down. And I felt awful.

So in my attempt to not spiral any more here I am - telling the world - that over the past 12 hours I did fail! I am human. I screwed up. I missed some of the warning signs. I didn't take quite enough care of myself. I had an emotional reaction, which got the better of me. And I completely fell apart.

And rather than letting that make me feel awful I am going to accept that it happened. Things like this will happen now and again. It's just part of me and part of life. And I am lucky that those nasty dips are happening less and less frequently. And I am even more lucky that I have a fantastic group of friends who have stood by me through all of the ups and the downs and remind me of the things that I sometimes find it hard to remember and tell myself.

I know that Christmas can be a very tough time for people who have depression. There are a lot of expectations and pressures. For some reason people feel like they have to do Christmas the 'right' way. If you've read any of what I've written previously you'll know that I never presume to tell anyone else what to do, that's not my place, but I do want anyone else who is suffering to know that if it feels too much at the moment then you're not by yourself! Here's at least one other person who has found it all a bit too much to deal with. And actually that is understandable and normal and ok. We're all allowed an off day once in the while - you don't have to be perfect.

Also I have found that the Samaritans have been absolutely brilliant over the past 12 hours, especially when I needed to talk to someone at 2am. They're always there - 08457 909090.

P.S. Anything in this post which appears to be remotely wise comes from other people. They know who they are!