Depression
Not the easiest subject to talk about or write about.
There are two things which I think make depression a difficult and lonely experience. The first is that the current state of science and understanding of mental health means that we don't know what 'causes' it. There are various things that probably contribute to depression, among them traumatic experiences, a genetic predisposition, hormonal imbalance. But when all is said and done no-one really knows. And depression can be a life long struggle for some people, whereas for others it lasts a few months and then passes. What I am getting at is that there is no 'fix'. There are very few people for whom there is a 'solution'. And that can make it a very lonely experience for the person suffering. Because there is no easy answer.
The situation can be difficult even when you have friends around you because they want to understand. They want to be able to attribute your depression to something. 'Oh, it must be because you're stressed at work.' 'It must be because you had such a bad break-up.' 'It is because you were ill growing up.' Not because they want to make things difficult for you, but because they want there to be a reason, because that makes it easier. And then they will start suggesting ways to 'combat' or 'deal with' the depression: did you sleep properly? did you eat properly? you've been spending too much time with a particular person, do you think that caused it? Trying to find that 'magic answer' for you.
Now, I'm not saying that any of this comes from a bad place. Friends will want to help. And that is a wonderful and important thing. I would never for a second want to suggest I don't appreciate the help that my friends have offered me. But when you find yourself feeling down and then are being quizzed as to what you have done: have you eaten today? did you sleep? And then when you answer 'no I didn't sleep too well' - the response 'ah, that's why!' quickly follows.
The thing is that sometimes you can have a day when you have done everything 'right'. You have slept, you got up, you ate properly, you ignored the irritating phone call from your secretary, you managed to get some work done, you saw a friend at lunchtime (to make sure you are being sociable) - and yet you still feel sad and dreadful.
I can tell you that when that feeling hits you - on the day when it 'shouldn't' - and you get questioned to make sure you did everything 'right' - that is the day when, for me, I feel most alone. Because I can't offer an explanation as to why I feel so low. I know I don't want to feel low. And I feel even more guilty for feeling low, because I can't give anyone a reason. And that feeling of guilt makes the whole experience so much worse.
The second thing about depression that makes it a particularly lonely experience (which links to the first) is that when you talk to someone who has not experienced depression themselves they find it hard to understand what is going on in your head. Again I am not criticising the wonderful and supportive friends who try as hard as they can. But they simply cannot understand what is going on in your head.
A common phrase that people repeat to me is "concentrate on the positive, you always focus on the negative". Now before my depression I was a very positive person. My 'natural state' is to see the good in absolutely any situation. And so I don't 'as a matter of course' focus on the negative. But when my depression takes hold I don't have control of those negative thoughts. And while I can see all the good things in my life (I can recognise that I have friends, I can see that I have a good job, I've still got a roof over my head, I am (physically) healthy) I still can't change how I feel. And knowing that I can't focus on the positive just makes me feel even more guilty and that usually fuels the depression.
The other issue that comes up (again from a lack of understanding) is that people ask me why I don't contact them sooner to say that my depression is starting to affect me. How do I let it get to the point where I want to take drugs or drink alcohol before I contact my friends to ask for help? Well depression isn't quite the same as breaking your leg or suddenly have a sharp pain. At least my depression isn't. It creeps up on you. You are thinking perfectly normally, and then over time your thoughts dip, and then dip further, and then you find yourself feeling down and as if there is no purpose for anything. But it is like a gradually incoming tide. It isn't obvious or clear. Most of the time I can't tell you when that process started. All I can tell you is when I recognise that I have got somewhere quite dark.
Now I am a strong believer in education. I am not critical of other people for not understanding depression. If you haven't experienced it or do not have a close friend who has then why would you know any differently? And given depression (and other mental health problems) are only now being seen for what they are - illness - there has not yet been the dialogue of what they actually involve. There are still many preconceptions and misunderstandings about what is involved.
I am hoping that by writing and (in due course) fundraising (more on that later) I might be able to educate just a few people to understand what this illness is like. And I hope that by doing that if you are experiencing depression you feel a bit less lonely, because you know other people are going through similar experiences. Or if you have someone you love who is going through it, then you can understand a little more.
Anyone who needs help or more information then Mind (http://www.mind.org.uk/) and the Samaritans (http://www.samaritans.org/) are two fantastic organisations which I whole-heartedly support.
