It is difficult to describe how much someone dying as a result of suicide can change your life.
In some ways the pain that I have been feeling for the past 20 months has been the thing that stops me from getting to the point where I want to hurt myself. I always thought I would be 'doing people a favour'. I now know that nothing could be further from the truth. The pain and grief I have been feeling is overwhelming; the guilt is hard to control, the anger becomes overwhelming, and the sadness...well I hope it will become less painful over time.
Every time I feel that I have regained my balance I will be reminded of something she said or did, or an event we both went to. And those are just the obvious memories and reminders.
There is also the feeling of being betrayed. The thought that I had told her she could call me. I had said I would be there. So why didn't she ring me that weekend?
As someone who already had difficulties trusting people, that has been the most difficult part of all of this. And it is the part that has affected my life on many levels since it happened. It is the part that has affected my relationships (friends and romantic). It is the part that makes me terrified of letting new people close to me.
It's like the argument that will never get resolved. The answer I will never get. And - although I know it sounds odd - it makes me wary of everyone else. In the past someone doing something that I couldn't trust or subsequently found out was a lie had the worst outcome that it hurt me. I would cry for a few days. I would get angry. That would pass. In her case, not being told that she needed me. Her not texting me as I asked her to. Her not answering her phone. That led to her dying.
I know now that I get more anxious when I don't hear from friends. Afraid that they have been hit by a bus or had an accident. Afraid when they are not straightforward with me about what they do or don't need.
I know I need to let my friends (well those I have left) live their lives. I struggle to do that every day. But, at least at the moment, I don't trust them. I can't trust them - as much as I want to. Because there are things worse than being cheated on. There are things worse than being lied to. And I know how painful it is when someone lets you down in the most absolute way possible.
I know over time it will get better. I also know that I have taken all of this out on people - and not quite understood why I was getting as frustrated or angry as I was. Why people lying has become such a big issue for me. Maybe it always will be. But I am clinging onto the hope that things will get better.
Friday 23 December 2016
Saturday 1 October 2016
Here I go again on my own...
Have we been here before? I think I have, but probably that is part of the story.
Once again I find myself having to take time off work (a month this time). Once again I find myself having to explain to a manager at work, and them not understanding mental health issues at all. Once again I find myself with a few friends around, but generally feeling alone.
Dealing with depression isn't easy. It sneaks up on you. In my case I manage my anxiety day-to-day. I go to my therapy sessions and I take my medication. My psychiatrist once compared it to having diabetes, or asthma, or another illness that you manage on a day-to-day basis. And we all know that on occasion something changing in environment or circumstances can cause a flare up, no matter how carefully you manage the underlying condition.
So I manage my anxiety. I do everything I can do to keep it on the right level. I have been fairly successfully doing two jobs this year, and so have been paying particular attention to saying 'no' and taking steps back and rest when I need to.
But the problem with anxiety is how easily it can slip into depression. And depression creeps.
There have been various things that have happened this year which have put additional strain on my mental health. Losing a very close friend because they had kept things from me. Losing friends in an associated social group, because they kept telling me additional information about how I'd been lied to, which I didn't want to know and simply increased my anxiety. Having friends take me for granted, and so having to push them away. Family members being ill. Close colleagues at work resigning. And work colleagues lying to me over a prolonged period. Finally, having time in A&E for abdominal pain and being told that it was 'nothing'. (Later note: it was something! And is thankfully now resolved)
All of it sapped my energy. All of it caused me to feel more exhausted, more down, more trapped.
And so anxiety became depression and I stopped enjoying life or feeling that anything was fun. My work started suffering. My relationships have been suffering. And if I'm honest, I've been feeling this way ever since the beginning of the year. And I've felt under additional pressure and strain ever since my friend committed suicide last year.
And it's become too much.
So once again I'm having to stop and take a step back. Once again I'm having to go through the painful, but also cathartic, process of telling everyone how I feel. Once again I'm having to build from the ground up. Once again I having to find strength from somewhere to keep going. Once again...
Once again I find myself having to take time off work (a month this time). Once again I find myself having to explain to a manager at work, and them not understanding mental health issues at all. Once again I find myself with a few friends around, but generally feeling alone.
Dealing with depression isn't easy. It sneaks up on you. In my case I manage my anxiety day-to-day. I go to my therapy sessions and I take my medication. My psychiatrist once compared it to having diabetes, or asthma, or another illness that you manage on a day-to-day basis. And we all know that on occasion something changing in environment or circumstances can cause a flare up, no matter how carefully you manage the underlying condition.
So I manage my anxiety. I do everything I can do to keep it on the right level. I have been fairly successfully doing two jobs this year, and so have been paying particular attention to saying 'no' and taking steps back and rest when I need to.
But the problem with anxiety is how easily it can slip into depression. And depression creeps.
There have been various things that have happened this year which have put additional strain on my mental health. Losing a very close friend because they had kept things from me. Losing friends in an associated social group, because they kept telling me additional information about how I'd been lied to, which I didn't want to know and simply increased my anxiety. Having friends take me for granted, and so having to push them away. Family members being ill. Close colleagues at work resigning. And work colleagues lying to me over a prolonged period. Finally, having time in A&E for abdominal pain and being told that it was 'nothing'. (Later note: it was something! And is thankfully now resolved)
All of it sapped my energy. All of it caused me to feel more exhausted, more down, more trapped.
And so anxiety became depression and I stopped enjoying life or feeling that anything was fun. My work started suffering. My relationships have been suffering. And if I'm honest, I've been feeling this way ever since the beginning of the year. And I've felt under additional pressure and strain ever since my friend committed suicide last year.
And it's become too much.
So once again I'm having to stop and take a step back. Once again I'm having to go through the painful, but also cathartic, process of telling everyone how I feel. Once again I'm having to build from the ground up. Once again I having to find strength from somewhere to keep going. Once again...
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