The honest truth

It is difficult to describe how much someone dying as a result of suicide can change your life.

In some ways the pain that I have been feeling for the past 20 months has been the thing that stops me from getting to the point where I want to hurt myself. I always thought I would be 'doing people a favour'. I now know that nothing could be further from the truth. The pain and grief I have been feeling is overwhelming; the guilt is hard to control, the anger becomes overwhelming, and the sadness...well I hope it will become less painful over time.

Every time I feel that I have regained my balance I will be reminded of something she said or did, or an event we both went to. And those are just the obvious memories and reminders.

There is also the feeling of being betrayed. The thought that I had told her she could call me. I had said I would be there. So why didn't she ring me that weekend?

As someone who already had difficulties trusting people, that has been the most difficult part of all of this. And it is the part that has affected my life on many levels since it happened. It is the part that has affected my relationships (friends and romantic). It is the part that makes me terrified of letting new people close to me.

It's like the argument that will never get resolved. The answer I will never get. And - although I know it sounds odd - it makes me wary of everyone else. In the past someone doing something that I couldn't trust or subsequently found out was a lie had the worst outcome that it hurt me. I would cry for a few days. I would get angry. That would pass. In her case, not being told that she needed me. Her not texting me as I asked her to. Her not answering her phone. That led to her dying.

I know now that I get more anxious when I don't hear from friends. Afraid that they have been hit by a bus or had an accident. Afraid when they are not straightforward with me about what they do or don't need.

I know I need to let my friends (well those I have left) live their lives. I struggle to do that every day. But, at least at the moment, I don't trust them. I can't trust them - as much as I want to. Because there are things worse than being cheated on. There are things worse than being lied to. And I know how painful it is when someone lets you down in the most absolute way possible.

I know over time it will get better. I also know that I have taken all of this out on people - and not quite understood why I was getting as frustrated or angry as I was. Why people lying has become such a big issue for me. Maybe it always will be. But I am clinging onto the hope that things will get better.