Here I go again on my own...

Have we been here before? I think I have, but probably that is part of the story.

Once again I find myself having to take time off work (a month this time). Once again I find myself having to explain to a manager at work, and them not understanding mental health issues at all. Once again I find myself with a few friends around, but generally feeling alone.

Dealing with depression isn't easy. It sneaks up on you. In my case I manage my anxiety day-to-day. I go to my therapy sessions and I take my medication. My psychiatrist once compared it to having diabetes, or asthma, or another illness that you manage on a day-to-day basis. And we all know that on occasion something changing in environment or circumstances can cause a flare up, no matter how carefully you manage the underlying condition.

So I manage my anxiety. I do everything I can do to keep it on the right level. I have been fairly successfully doing two jobs this year, and so have been paying particular attention to saying 'no' and taking steps back and rest when I need to.

But the problem with anxiety is how easily it can slip into depression. And depression creeps.

There have been various things that have happened this year which have put additional strain on my mental health. Losing a very close friend because they had kept things from me. Losing friends in an associated social group, because they kept telling me additional information about how I'd been lied to, which I didn't want to know and simply increased my anxiety. Having friends take me for granted, and so having to push them away. Family members being ill. Close colleagues at work resigning. And work colleagues lying to me over a prolonged period. Finally, having time in A&E for abdominal pain and being told that it was 'nothing'. (Later note: it was something! And is thankfully now resolved)

All of it sapped my energy. All of it caused me to feel more exhausted, more down, more trapped.

And so anxiety became depression and I stopped enjoying life or feeling that anything was fun. My work started suffering. My relationships have been suffering. And if I'm honest, I've been feeling this way ever since the beginning of the year. And I've felt under additional pressure and strain ever since my friend committed suicide last year.

And it's become too much.

So once again I'm having to stop and take a step back. Once again I'm having to go through the painful, but also cathartic, process of telling everyone how I feel. Once again I'm having to build from the ground up. Once again I having to find strength from somewhere to keep going. Once again...