The other room

I have said that the most difficult thing for people who haven't had depression is that they can't understand what is going on in your head. So I'm going to try and explain it!

 

I am making no promises that this will make sense. I am also not suggesting that this is how everyone with depression feels or what they experience. I am simply writing from my own experience and what happens to me.

 

So today I'm going to write about the weirdest experience that I get. It isn't one of the 'down days' where I just feel upset about everything, or one of the 'can't get out of bed days'. It's the 'different world day'.

 

When I was younger (and admittedly still now!) I liked sci-fi programmes. One of my favourite plot lines for a TV episode would be where the characters went to a parallel universe that was almost identical to the 'actual' universe but had subtle differences. One of the characters would be evil rather than good, or there would have been 'an event' which had altered everything ever so slightly. The whole point would be that it wasn't massively different, just different enough to be interesting for a plot line.

 

And that's all well and good for fiction. But one of the experiences that I have with my depression is that that feels like reality. I feel like I have ended up in a parallel universe. As an example, I woke up the other morning and everything felt wrong. When I tried to describe it to some friends later I said it was like I had walked into a familiar room but all the furniture had been moved a fraction of an inch in different directions so that nothing felt right. Everything felt the same, but not quite the same, not quite right. I couldn't understand why I was by myself. I felt completely disorientated.

 

Now the strangest thing about feeling like that is that logically I knew I was in my bed, at home, no one should have been around, nothing had been moved, my plan for the day was exactly the same as when I had gone to sleep. But I felt lost and confused and as if everything had changed and I didn't fit in. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. And for me it is one of the most distressing feelings to have.

 

Apparently a common experience for people with depression is that they feel disconnected from the world in some way. So I anticipate that I am not alone in having these weird 'other room' episodes. Unfortunately knowing that it is a shared experience doesn't make it any less upsetting when it happens.

 

I've written before about the fact that there is not necessarily a 'solution' to these things. And I definitely do not subscribe to the 'there is answer' mentality. But I suppose for me I have found that when I have an 'other room' day talking to my friends can help to bring me back to 'reality'. And almost the most powerful medicine which makes it a little less bad is a proper hug from someone who cares about me. It's the simple things that can make you feel a little more grounded.