I feel this post needs a caveat at the outset:-
Everything I am writing about today is very much about how my depression has come about and how it has affected me. I imagine that others may have had similar experiences but this post is not intended to reflect a generalised view of depression or to be an account of what life is like for anyone with depression. This one is very much about me.
There are a number of reasons why I think I have ended up with depression. Maybe reasons is putting it too strongly. But there are certain things that have happened that have lead me to this point. From a relatively early age, because of circumstances at the time, I stopped actually telling people if I was sad, happy, angry or anything else. I closed myself down quite effectively and have sort of maintained that ever since. Which can be a useful defence mechanism for a short time. Or can turn into a bit of a problem if allowed to continue.
And the difficulty for me was that my life, especially during my late teens and early twenties, took me through quite a few experiences in quick succession where a highly emotional response would have been appropriate. Given I'd learnt to close off and hide behind a mask I didn't have those emotional responses. Which all seem to be flooding out now! I've written about the phaeo and about my grandmother dying (both of which were fairly close in time). There were also other events that I'm not going to write about because they involve other people.
But let's just say that because of the string of events I got to the point where I felt like screaming at the world 'why me?!'. And that feeling has stuck with me and has been present for quite some time. In fact I found myself stood in the drizzle outside a pub only a month or so ago talking to a friend and basically saying 'why me?' and 'what have I done wrong?' over and over again.
And I can't remember whether this precise phrase came from the person I was talking to outside the pub but the phrase that came up was - 'it's nothing personal'.
I have come to the conclusion that if you are depressed, or you are not engaging properly with what is going on because you feel incapable of expressing your emotions, it can lead to a 'why me?' sort of feeling. In bottling things up everything gets heightened and the emotions become more intense and last longer. I do still feel that I have been incredibly unlucky with the series of events that have happened to me. Some of the experiences that I have had to deal with (like the phaeo and the fear of dying in surgery) are ones I would have rather approached much later in life. But the fundamental problem is the opening up and engaging with those experiences at the time so that they can happen, be acknowledged, and so that one can (to use the horribly trite and overly simplistic phrase) 'move on'.
And I'm writing this now because the last few days have lead me to a bit of a 'why me?' feeling again.
As you all know I hadn't been having a fantastic time over the past few days. Not as bad a dip as in the past, but a definite dip nonetheless. I was feeling very lonely and particularly questioning how much being depressed and dealing with depression interrelates with my personal relationships. Monday was not much fun. I think going to Court stressed me out. There were also other things going on. Then on Monday night I started getting stressed about a talk I was supposed to be giving at work on Tuesday. I woke in the night panicking. I got to my desk yesterday morning and couldn't think straight. I was sat at my desk in tears unable to think myself out of the anxiety. And I basically spent yesterday having to sort through and sift the panic and get myself back on track.
And I managed it. It took a while. It took lots of talking to a variety of people. But I was back to sorted pretty much.
And then the universe decided to throw me a curve ball!
I wrote on the 25th about the kind helpful person I met two years ago. Well, two years ago on 30th October I met someone who can lay claim to being in the top 3 people who have most managed to screw me up ever. (I won't be making them a medal!) Having not seen this person for about a year I bumped into them yesterday evening, by chance, walking down the street. On exactly the same day that I met them 2 years ago. And seeing them shook me up.
Now because I'm me, and because of what I am dealing with at the moment, I was absolutely fine when I saw them (emotions neatly bottled), and then fell apart about an hour and a half later in a stream of 'why me?' 'why on earth universe have you decided to present this person to me when I've had a crap couple of days and I'm not feeling 100%?' and 'why is it exactly 2 years on - I mean are you trying to script Dawson's Creek or something?!'
But this is where the story changes slightly. You see if this had happened 6 months ago I would have been a wreck for days. I would have pretended I was fine. I would have been closed off and distant. I would have carried on thinking 'why me?'.
This time I had some dinner, started to cry, let myself cry, and sat down with a friend and we drank tea and talked through the whole thing and I had a good rant. And realised that anyone bumping into someone they would rather not see is going to be thrown. It wasn't 'just me'. Anyone being presented with doing a talk at work to people more senior than them is going to feel stressed. It wasn't 'just me'. Anyone going back into Court after several months off and feeling vulnerable is going to feel stressed. It wasn't 'just me'.
And so this morning I am sat here thinking that actually what has happened is no indictment on who I am, what I have done with my life, or anything else like that. Other people make mistakes and that is actually their fault - it's not my fault for being ill, or difficult or anything else. Things happen in life because that is how life happens. Sometimes there is no reason.*
None of it is personal.
And do you know what the key was for discovering all these things? Actually throwing my pride out the window, allowing myself to cry, and talking to people. It really does work.
*Note to the people who have told me this before - sometimes it takes a while for these things to sink in! Even more reason to keep talking.
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