Two heads are better than one...

There is a wonderful saying: do as I say, not as I do.

I am going to own up now. Not everything that I write in this blog is solely as the result of my own insight. Quite a lot (well the vast majority) of it arises out of conversations. A very large number of conversations with a large number of people. Some of those people know what they are talking about, others don't! Some are perceptive. Some don't quite understand. Some speak from experience. Some really don't know what to say. Some are very kind to me. Others give me blunt answers that sometimes feel like a sledgehammer to the stomach. Some people I talk to a lot. Other people it can be a matter of minutes. And if it wasn't for them then I probably wouldn't have anything to write. Actually more accurately I would still have a lot to write but it most likely wouldn't make a huge amount of sense.

The truth of it is that talking to people matters. Especially if you are suffering from depression talking is incredibly important. And it is often also the very hardest thing to do. Which is why I say 'do as I say, not as I do'.

I started out this week with a very clear view of what I was going to do. I wasn't going to talk to anyone. I had had enough of opinions and views and suggestions and demands. I wasn't going to listen to anyone apart from me and I was going to close myself off. I was going to cope and be fine and strong and no one could stop me. I had decided that being me and feeling depressed was hard enough without wanting to be concerned with other people. All other people did was make me feel guilty. Being guilty makes me feel worse. So why would I want to add that on top of how crap I was feeling already? I would just be 'fine', keep myself to myself, and no one would notice.

Sometimes for an intelligent woman I can be a bit stupid!

You see in some ways this had been the week I was dreading. I go to therapy once a week and, while I am not going to go into details of what gets said there, it has progressed to dealing with 'real issues' rather than dealing with the 'obvious stuff'. So I wasn't exactly looking forward to it this week. I knew that things were about to get difficult.

After talking to the therapist for an hour I felt exhausted. I hid in work for a bit (to try and let my head settle) and then I went and saw friends and probably talked and cried more than I have in the past fortnight. A lot of talking and a lot of crying.

But that was what I desperately needed. Not to be trapped inside my head. To actually express all of the anger and pain and whatever else that had been bottled up for far too long and had been wearing me down so much.

And it's not just about expressing everything. It's also that you get a different perspective. You get reminded of things, either that have happened or that you've said before. You get positive things said about you. You get home truths. Your brain can start to sift and sort everything, and it truly becomes more manageable. You can hear the things coming out of your mouth that are maybe a bit nuts and silly. You can say the things that actually matter and hurt you more than anything. And somehow saying them stops them hurting you quite so much. Or you suddenly realise and face up to how hurt you have been.

Now I am in no way a perfect role model for this. (Having spent at least ten minutes of my tear sodden conversation the other night vowing that I was going to stop talking to people I really could be called a bit of a hypocrite.) I have to be reminded to try. And some days it really is harder than others. But it does work.

Sometimes I can't face talking to friends or family. I am not ashamed to admit that I do get in touch with the Samaritans when I get completely trapped and I'm at my worst. If anyone in the same boat reads this and feels that they cannot face talking to people they know then do consider giving the Samaritans a call (08457 90 90 90), or dropping them an e-mail (jo@samaritans.org). If it doesn't work for you fair enough, but give it a try if you can.

The past couple of days for me have involved a lot of talking. I would be lying if I said that all of that was easy. (I also need to actually buy some tissues or remember to keep a handkerchief with me at all times.) But I am now looking forward to a weekend where I feel a lot less trapped and miserable. So I know that it really is worth trying whenever I can.

Next time I forget if someone could remind me that would be great!