Uphill struggle

I've written a lot about the feelings to do with being depressed. I've talked less about what it feels like to actually try to overcome depression.

I am a firm believer that, in my case, my depression won't be with me forever. I know that some people aren't that lucky and they have to deal with depression and control it every day. But I truly feel that one day this will all recede into the past and life will feel a bit more normal. I suppose that hope and belief is what keeps me going at the moment.

I have taken the decision to deal with my depression without anti-depressants (I tried them briefly and they made me feel physically very ill). This means that I am dealing with the depression through what are called 'talking therapies'. What this involves is talking about the events, thoughts and feelings associated with my depression. And to be entirely frank it is exhausting. Each hour long session is more taxing and intellectually demanding that any exam that I have done on any degree, or the most difficult problem I have faced at work. I come out at the end of it feeling as if I have been knocked about from side to side. Often I have been in tears for a great part of the session. Today I nearly started to drift off to sleep in the middle of the therapy session because talking about the issues we were discussing was that exhausting and draining!

Now I have done some tiring things in my life! Intellectually tiring. Physically tiring. But I don't think I have ever been this emotionally tired.

And it doesn't just stop with the sessions. Because all of the thoughts I'd rather forget about are being brought to the surface I have nightmares and vivid dreams. I have conversations with my family and friends. I am reliving all the difficult experiences of the past decade all in one go. In a constant stream of discussions, conversations, and (occasionally) arguments.

At this point in time I am absolutely shattered! And I quite frequently tell those close to me that I just wish I could give up. I wish at this point in time someone could parachute me out of this. I want the short-cut to the finish. I am getting seriously grumpy and fed up. I just want to stop. 

But I don't.

Fundamentally I have hope. Hope that I can beat this. Hope that once this long tortuous process is over I will know myself better and I will be so much better equipped to deal with whatever life throws at me in the future. Better able to be myself and be open with the people I love.

And I suppose the fact that I have that hope, and it is getting more and more powerful, shows that all the therapy and the talking is working, no matter how hard it is. And it's just a matter of taking a deep breath and fighting on.