Not being myself

As any of my close friends will tell you, one of the things that frustrates me the most about my depression is the feeling that I am not 'being myself' or that I haven't been myself at various points in time over the past few years.

I have been variously described as sulky, sensitive, quiet, prone to focus on the negative - and I don't feel that any of these words actually describes who I am and what I am like.

It was actually the first thing this year that made me realise that something wasn't right and that I might be getting more depressed. One of my colleagues at work told me that I was known as 'sulky girl'. Having been told that I went into my office and started crying on my desk. As far as I am aware I have never been 'sulky' in my life. I have always been fairly upbeat and positive about anything and everything (no matter how awful) and yet I was being told that everyone at work thought I was sulky. I hated hearing that about myself.

It was then that I realised I really wasn't being myself.

As far as I am concerned (and I think my family and my oldest friends would agree with this) I am a ridiculous ball of energy. I am always on the go, always poking fun at things, quite outspoken and not afraid to say exactly what I think, have a stupid sense of humour (I once nearly burst my stitches laughing during a game of Trivial Pursuit!), find the positive in any and every situation, have far too much faith in the fact that things will work out, and just want to help other people all the time.

When I was called sulky it was describing someone completely different. I noticed that I was focusing on negative things (one of my friends who only got to know me well quite recently told me that I 'always' focus on the negative). Every problem that I faced had become a massive problem, from which I could see no positive outcome. I was spiralling down further and further into depression and losing myself and my own character in the process.

Now I know that people who have met me while I've been depressed find it difficult when I say that I feel like I have been someone else and that they don't quite know me. As far as they are concerned they do know me. Not every day I have spent with them has been a bad day. They have seen glimpses of the 'real me'.

And thinking about it, they are probably right to a certain extent. But it's not quite as straightforward as saying they know me, because they have got to know me with depression. And depression does, in my experience, alter how you behave and how your character comes across. 

So how do I describe it from my point of view? The nearest and best metaphor I feel I can find is that, for me, it feels like my depression is a mask.

Some days it feels like a full mask covering my whole face. I don't appear like myself at all. It takes away my whole character and replaces me with someone who is sad and down and can't function. As I've said before, on days like that it feels like someone else is doing my thinking for me. I feel like another person. And not a person I like very much. As far as I am concerned on those days the outside world doesn't see me at all.

On other days it feels like there is a half mask. So people can see part of who I am, but it still feels like there is a block between me and them. Whether it is that on that day most of my personality is coming out, but I am having a day where I can't see that there is anything positive to be had out of life. I can joke about how crap things are, but still not see the silver lining. Or maybe I feel fine, but I am just sat quietly in the corner not actually joining in in conversations as I'm too afraid to talk to people properly.

Then some days it is just an eye mask. My whole personality is there but there is still that small bit of distance between me and my friends. That slight darkness that I can't shake. Something about me that is still hidden. But thankfully on those days the people close to me can see a lot more of me and do get to know more of the 'real me'.

I hope that in time I can get rid of the mask completely because I want people to know me without the depression in the way. And I honestly feel that I am now having more days where I am getting closer and closer to that. But it still doesn't stop it being the thing that frustrates me the most! It's been there in some shape or form for the better part of a decade and I'm sick and tired of it getting in the way.

And so I keep fighting for the moment when I can take the mask off for good and jump up and down on it! (Metaphorically speaking of course!)