This morning I have woken up to what seems to be another day where I actually feel fine. This is very exciting for me as this is the fourth day in a row!
And when I say 'fine' I am not pretending that everything is ok and hiding behind the word 'fine'. Nor am I saying that today I feel elated and as if I could jump over the moon! I just feel normal. I feel that today could be a good day or a bad day, but whatever day it turns out to be is not set in stone. It will not definitely be a bad unhappy day. It's just another day and I'm living in it.
Feeling like this is, as I say, very exciting for me. It's been a very long time since I have felt this comfortable in my own skin. I've had various periods of time when I have been near to this. But it has been an exceptionally long time since I have felt this relaxed and settled about things. My brain is not working overtime trying to predict what might go wrong today. I can focus on what I'm actually doing and I'm not distracted. I can even have moments where actually I am thinking of nothing at all! It's like roadworks have been going on in my head non-stop and now they've finally all packed up and gone home and there is that wonderful and extra special quiet that follows.
And all this has got me to thinking - why is this happening now?
I think the answer is that I've finally found a treatment for my depression that works. And I count myself as incredibly lucky that that has happened.
I have gone through a whole range of treatments over the past decade. I've had individual counselling: talking and telling people about what has happened. I have had a very kind priest try and talk me through cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) methods and just listen to me and give me endless cups of tea. I've been put into group sessions focused on building self-esteem through positive reinforcement phrases and 'self-care'. I've seen a psychologist who took me through CBT methods properly. I've been on medication to try and reduce anxiety. I've done guided self-help to get through anxiety and insomnia.
I've tried a full spectrum of treatments and a large number of people (professional and others) have done their best to help me. And still the upshot every time was that I would think I had got better and then I would relapse into depression at some point.
Looking back at those various experiences I know that the problem was that when the treatment was over in each case I had returned to a point where I could 'manage'. I could get by. And as I wrote in my post about admitting that you still have a problem, each time I had got back to where I was immediately before things started to go badly wrong, rather than getting back to the point before things went wrong at all.
But this time it definitely feels different. I say that with a certain amount of caution as I know that I am still getting better, and I do have further to go. But there is no doubt: for me the psychotherapy this time is really working. I know it is working because I am sat here typing and I feel calm, and find it almost strange to remember being in this room 4 months ago and feeling so desperate that I was taking as many codeine tablets as I could possibly manage. I know that feeling like I do now is the real me, and that back then I was very ill indeed and desperately needed help.
I suppose the main point I want to make is that it can take time to find a method to actually treat depression properly. I imagine that different treatments will also suit different people. It's not easy to tell when they have worked properly and when they haven't. In my case it is only now after a very long period of trial and error that I have finally found something that does work. And when you are vulnerable it is very difficult to push for the treatment that is right for you. Frequently you will be in a position where you don't even feel able to make that choice.
All I can suggest is that if you have depression you try and understand the range of treatments out there before settling on one. And if one doesn't feel like it is working don't be afraid to discuss that with your GP or therapist, or to change if it becomes necessary. If you know someone with depression then try to make them aware of what there is out there. It is never the right thing to force treatment on anyone. Nor is it the right thing to force a particular type of treatment on anyone. But (as I keep saying!) I firmly believe that if people know more about depression and how to deal with it then there is a much better chance of people recovering.
There is some incredibly useful information on the Mind website http://www.mind.org.uk/ about different types of treatment and also how those without depression can support and help.
And if you visit the website why not have a look at the post I wrote for them http://www.mind.org.uk/blog/7554_the_loneliness_of_depression_and_the_importance_of_talking
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