As predictable as weather

Yes, I know that you could all see this coming. This was easier to work out than who the bad guy was in The Usual Suspects and far more obvious than the plot twist at the end of The Sixth Sense!

 

I started today feeling crap.

 

For the past 24 hours or so I've been heading back down on a nice little spiral. I've been tired out after the leaps and bounds forwards of the past fortnight. I had a whole day by myself yesterday. I had a series of comments made and reminders given of things over the past year. And I started feeling pretty shit to put it bluntly.

 

This morning I found myself sat in Court (don't worry I hadn't done anything wrong, I'm a barrister) and I felt like I wanted to cry. A grown up woman sat in the waiting room feeling like she was about to burst into tears. And what's worse was being sat there feeling like I wanted to burst into tears when around me were people being evicted or being separated from their children. People who had every justification for wanting to cry! Unlike the silly woman in the suit!!

 

Of course that just helped the 'bullying side' of the depression get to me even more.

 

It's times like these when I think 'should I have done something sooner'. Maybe last night, as I felt myself slipping, I should have rung someone. Anyone. But to be honest I just felt too tired to make the effort. Instead I lay on my sofa feeling awful and just wishing that someone would turn up and make me a cup of tea (it's not that I require much - company and a cup of tea are generally sufficient).

 

This is the difficulty with feeling depressed. To get out of the spirals takes so much will-power. And if you're already feeling low and tired having that will-power can be a bit tricky. I also tend to end up going into a ranty mood as well. Why should I have to be the person always reaching out to other people? Why aren't they volunteering and coming forward? Don't I deserve better than this?!

 

I'm a charmer once I get into one of those moods!

 

But I suppose the upside is that I got in touch with my A-Team of supporters this morning and for once a plan did come together. Fairly rapidly and fairly haphazardly. And already I can feel myself picking up once again.

 

Now while I don't particularly like resembling a yo-yo I suppose the good news is that the dips down are becoming less frequent, and I'm getting better at taking steps to get out of them. But even then there are still times when I feel so horribly alone and helpless that I do wish that 'wishing' were enough. That I could magic people out of thin air by just thinking about them being there rather than having to push myself to write an e-mail or pick up the phone.

 

Dealing with depression is a struggle - make no mistake about it.

 

 

(PS I don't know why there are quite so many film references today - there just are.)