A conundrum for a Monday morning

When I had my last serious 'bout' of depression in 2009 I came across a difficulty: someone who had got to know me while I was very seriously depressed got very grumpy with me as I got better. The problem was that they had got to know me while I was in a very dark place. The 'well version' of me was not someone that they knew. They got confused and incredibly antagonistic. It was almost like they resented me getting better because I was changing. And that was very difficult for me to deal with - especially because I wanted to get better and didn't want anything or anyone holding me back!

 

The upshot was that I had a massive falling out with that person and I haven't spoken to them since.

 

I am anxious that I am now entering a similar phase. The added difficulty though is that I am not just recognising that for the past four-six months I have been seriously depressed. I am facing up to the fact that I have been depressed on and off for the past ten years. I haven't been 'myself' around a lot of people. This means that almost everyone in my life (with very few exceptions) has got used to a version of me which, as far as I am concerned, is not me. Or is a version of me tainted by the depression.

 

Now the changes are subtle. And on the whole I get the impression that people prefer the version of me that is upbeat and getting on with life, rather than the version which is constantly down. They appear to prefer that version for the most part because they care about me and they would rather see me happy.

 

But I can't help but feel a bit nervous that there are some people who are uncomfortable with the fact that I am changing. They want to think that they know me and understand me. The fact that I might not be exactly who they thought I was seems to disconcert them. Again, this is not their fault, they don't know me any differently, and it is always odd when you find out something about someone and realise they are actually not what you thought they were.

 

And herein lies the conundrum - I don't want to lose my friends, but I want to get better. So is the answer that I just have to be strong and sacrifice any friends who can't understand? I don't think the answer can be that I stop trying to recover properly. Surely the friends who matter will stick with me and will want me to get better?

 

Maybe it isn't a conundrum at all but simply another aspect of depression being quite isolating, but in a different way.

 

All I do know is that I will never presume that I understand anyone else completely as I know first-hand that there are quite a few people who don't understand me completely, even if they think they do.