There are two topics which come up quite frequently in what I write: patience and frustration. This evening I regret to say frustration won against patience. And it won in a quite different way to how it has in the recent past.
Historically when I have felt desperate I have resorted to alcohol and/or codeine. Those were always my substances of choice to abuse. Thankfully the wish to take things in order to pass out has gone. It has been a while since I have wanted to just pass out and not care about the consequences. And the feeling that I have now is not really best described as desperation. I'm not desperate anymore. Now I'm just cross.
I feel so much better than I did 5 months ago. Which I am very thankful for. But I am still having to work at it. I still have thoughts that come into my head which some of my friends correctly describe as 'bollocks'. I still have to work hard fighting those thoughts. And some of those thoughts have been in my head for a very long time and so I have accepted them as true. The most potent and critical thought for today's purposes being that people do not like to be around me and do not want to be around me.
And I know that that thought is wrong. I can see that there are myriad examples of why it is wrong. I can have my friends telling me it is bollocks. But I can't get it out of my head. And that frustrates me so much.
And so tonight, in a childlike attempt to get the thought out of my head, I thumped my head against the door. I punched the wall several times. Slammed myself at the door frame repeatedly. I then slapped myself so hard around the face that my ear rang. And to top it off once I had collapsed on the floor, I punched my head into the floor.
I was that frustrated. I just wanted to knock the depression out of me.
Now I do not recommend this as a course of action for anyone to take. Not least because my head now hurts and I am sincerely hoping the headache goes so that I can sleep. But I am writing this because I want to try and get across the sense of frustration that the lingering depression causes me to feel. The irritation when your brain comes up with bollocks and you can't dislodge it. The anger at having something else in your mind affecting how you think about things and just wanting it out. And that frustration and anger can lead to you doing some pretty daft things.
I am lucky. I actually told a friend what was going on and they didn't respond as if I was nuts. I rang the Samaritans and they listened and were understanding of how frustrated I am feeling at the moment. I have lifelines which I am able to use to calm me down. But I also think I might invest in some more bits of carpet for my wooden floor.
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