Anger and fear

So yesterday's post was written with a certain amount of levity. Really it had to be. I was incredibly scared about what happened and so the only way that I could deal with it was to make light of it. But today I feel I need to tackle it head on.

There are certain things that I don't write about in this blog. Details of my life that involve other people are generally avoided. It isn't fair for me to write about others if they don't have a chance to edit or comment. But I do try to give as honest an account as I can of what I am going through and what I experience. And so here is my attempt to explain yesterday and how it has left me feeling today.

I am not by nature a violent person. I don't like arguments with anyone. Last week I had a couple of spats with some friends and it left me feeling rubbish. I don't believe in violence as a solution to anything and am a pacifist to an almost pedantic degree.

So when I found myself punching myself in the head last night it was not usual. My head is still hurting now. There are definitely bruises. I woke up this morning and felt like someone had beaten me up (which to be fair they had). I have not experienced that sort of outburst of anger in a very long time. Nor have I ever been that violent before towards myself or anyone else. Which has led me to try and understand what on earth I was doing. I think I was trying to beat up the depression, which I know will sound bizarre. But I can't think of any other way to describe what I was doing. The anger at what the depression has done to me over the past ten years or so took over. I had no control. I wanted to attack the depression. But in doing that I was attacking me.

Which leads to the 'fear' side of things. Today I have been scared. Incredibly scared of myself. Which is the worst kind of fear. Being scared of other people or substances is relatively easy to deal with. You distance yourself from them. I know one of my friends has a stash of codeine tablets because every time I have had problems with them I have given them to him so that they go away. They disappear. But you can't do that with yourself. When you are your own enemy, when you are harming yourself, you can't get away. You are trapped with the person who is hurting you. And, with an unpredictable outburst like yesterday, I don't know when she is going to do it again.

I have spent today terrified of what would happen once I was by myself again. Would the anger come back? Would I be able to control it? Should I be asking to stay with a friend? Should I even be letting myself come home alone? I even started to think that maybe I should make a note on my computer of who I wanted to inherit different things in the event that I accidentally seriously hurt myself. Who would have my guitar, my music, my books? I was so afraid of myself that I was making contingency plans.

Now the anger that came out yesterday has always been there on the horizon while I have been recovering and writing. Thinking back to things I have said or written I can see that. The frustration that I have been feeling. The impatience. The resentment about the impact that depression has had on my relationships, my friendships, my work, my life. The anger has always been there in the background. But now suddenly it is centre-stage. And it is scary.

But after an hour of sitting on my sofa scared and alone this evening I took a decision. I'm not going to let it beat me. I am not going to let the anger hurt me. It needs to come out somehow. (I expect some more AC/DC and Guns n Roses are likely to be sung at full volume in the near future!) But I am not going to let the anger get me. Because if it does then the depression is getting me at the final hurdle.

I am scared. I would hazard a guess that anyone who has ever hurt themselves is scared. For me it felt like the oddest and most unnatural thing to do, even though I couldn't stop it. But I know that I'm not alone in this. I know that it happens. It is another facet of depression and anxiety. It doesn't happen to everyone, but it does happen to some people, and it is a part of my experience.

Something I found useful today was the following booklet on the mind website: http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/self-harm. It has information about self-harm and also advice for those who have friends or family who self-harm. I hope others find it helpful as well.