The ideal situation for me right now would be this. Everything, but me, would pause. And while everything was paused I would sit and think and work my way through how I am going to approach my life differently. How I am going to be myself. What things actually matter to me. What opinions I actually have about various things. I would use the time to form myself, to be content with who I am, not to dwell on the past but to actually learn from it and work out what I want to stay the same and what to change.
And I would take as long as I needed to piece all of that together. To work out how I want things to be going forwards. How I want to behave. I would take the time to challenge and remove all of the depressive thoughts and feelings that have accumulated over the past ten years and that have become second nature. All those thoughts and instinctive reactions which I actually detest.
And then, when I was done, I would press go again. I would be able to be myself in the world as I want to be. And if it upset people I would be ok with that, because I would know that I was at least being true to myself and my beliefs. And if I felt fed up about something I would know that I was fed up because it made complete sense to be fed up about a certain situation. I wouldn't have my perfectly normal feelings hijacked by the depression, because I would have dealt with it. I would be able to trust my feelings.
Unfortunately, that isn't how life works. Life keeps going around me.
So I do, or attempt to do, everything that is set out above. I try my hardest to fight and deal with the depression and the frustration and the anger. But I also have to live life at the same time. I have to encounter everything that anyone else encounters along the way: love, anger, disappointment, fear, friendships, arguments. Just every day life. The world doesn't stop while I sort myself out. It throws things at me. Some derail me more than others. Thankfully things are derailing me less. But it still means that when those things happen it can set me back. I can overreact. I tend to feel them more keenly.
Everything I am is on my sleeve at the moment. All of my emotions and experiences are exposed and raw. And living life with that is exhausting, unpredictable, and at times deeply emotionally draining.
Yes, I can handle life. Yes, I'm getting better. But I'm still learning so much about myself that normal everyday experiences almost become more important and more significant. Because those everyday things are just as much about me sorting myself out as they are about the experience itself.
Life goes on. There is no pause button. I have to walk on the broken leg. And sometimes it hurts.
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