I haven't written for a while. The simple reason is that I haven't really felt that I have had anything useful or interesting to write! I have been feeling a lot better and just getting on with day to day life comfortable in my own skin. I might be wrong but I think posts saying 'this morning I got up and went to work and had a coffee etc.' aren't exactly entertaining or enlightening!! So quietness on my part is a good thing!
But over the past few days something has come up which I think it is important to write about.
I am a forceful advocate of the view that if you have depression you should try talking to someone, anyone, to help you to deal with it. My opinion remains the same - if you are in a very dark place then reaching out to someone who can give you perspective is important and can be life saving. It also helps you to engage with your feelings and emotions.
But I now feel that I need to place a caveat on that view. No situation or process is ever perfect. There will always be room for change and/or improvement.
So here is the imperfection of talking to people when you are depressed, or more to the point when you are recovering from being depressed:-
I have spoken to a lot of people; professionals, friends, family, acquaintances, strangers. I have opened up in order to work out what I think and feel. But no other person can ever properly understand what is going on in the mind of another person. Things move on over time, because we all encounter experiences day to day, or even minute to minute, that subtly alter how we approach life. Yes, we probably all have fundamental beliefs, but there are those gray areas that can change over time. Think about a song that you have heard which initially you hate and then grow to love, or vice-versa. Most people's views about things are not set in stone.
Now, as I recover from depression (and I am using the word recover because my own view is that that is what is going on) my views and opinions are subtly shifting. The way that I think about things is changing. Possibly faster than it usually would because there is a lot that I am re-assessing in one go. The nature of the illness is that it clouds how you think and causes you to be incredibly negative. So as that negativity goes it alters how I think. Similarly how I feel about things is changing, sometimes at quite a pace. And trust me, I am not going to pretend for a second that this development is anything other than a very good thing!!
But what it does mean is that people can't second guess how I think or feel as readily as maybe they assume they can. And this is where talking to people has started to present some real challenges. People I talk to (frequently people who are close to me) make assumptions as to what I must be thinking or feeling, or what must be going on with me, and what I want out of my life. Some of them are open-minded enough to realise that how I am approaching things has changed. But others are still telling me that 'of course [I] feel like X' (when in actual fact I don't!), and are running on a two month old view of how I am.
I am changing, but people's attitudes about me aren't keeping pace. Which is understandable: I'm with myself the whole time, whereas they see me at weekly or fortnightly intervals so they don't see the change happening.
But it is frustrating for me. I am enjoying getting better and feeling better! Being treated or talked to as if I were in the place I was a few months back makes me feel like I am being pulled back to that. I want to move forward with my life, and leave the reflection on the past to the quiet hour that I have with my therapist each week. I am not in the same place I was (thankfully!).
So maybe the caveat to talking is this: it has to be talking on your terms and to benefit you. At a certain point I have found that I have to take things other people say with a substantial pinch of salt. When other people tell me that I 'must' feel or think a certain thing I have to be brave enough either to tell them that they are wrong or to let it slide. I have to pick and choose what I want to take on board and what I don't. And when I feel like someone is mentally treading on my toes I need to step away.
Depression and getting over depression is a complicated thing. To be fair no one ever told me that it would be easy! You have to be open to the problem and protect yourself at the same time. It's all a matter of balance. But luckily for me I feel like I am getting there. Even if someone treads on my toes every now and again and makes me wince.
Post-script (on life in general rather than depression!): I think it is very dangerous to ever assume that you know what someone thinks whether that person has depression or not. If you don't know then, as far as I'm concerned, it is much better to ask them than to guess. We're all different, which is what makes life so interesting!
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