Under-estimating people

During this recovery process I have written a lot about trying to get other people to understand what is going on inside my head. I have written about being misunderstood. I have also written about opening up to people and trying to be honest and actually talking and telling people what is going on. For every post about how I feel and what is happening with me there is usually some comment about how I think other people see me.

 

When I started writing this blog I had in mind that at some point I might ask one of my close friends to write something as well. I may still do that. Because I think that as hard as it is for an individual to experience and live through depression, it can be equally frustrating, worrying and upsetting for the people around them. For their family and friends.

 

I am incredibly lucky in the friends that I have. Many people have told me that when you go through something like this, and when you start bearing your soul and being honest about what is going on with you, you find out who your real friends are. You discover the ones who actually care about you regardless of what you do. And there is a lot of truth in that. But I frequently find it hard to believe that they are still there.

 

I suppose in someways I have grossly under-estimated my closest friends. I have been so afraid of what is going on with me for so long that I find it hard to think that they will accept it. I remember telling one of my friends when I was 16 that I was petrified that I was becoming like my grandmother. Depression has always scared me. I didn't understand what was going on in my own head. I was scared of myself. So I assumed everyone else would be too. I felt I was a failure and that I was letting everyone down. I thought that if I told other people they would know that I was letting them down as well and they would be disappointed in me.

 

Even now - 12 years on - I still get moments where I am afraid that I am letting people down. What happened this Sunday got me thinking again. I was afraid to tell people. It was so scary and out of the blue that I thought everyone else would be scared as well. And I felt like I had failed - a new problem had come along that I hadn't foreseen and I wasn't able to deal with. I thought all my friends would feel like I had failed them too. They have stood by me through so much and yet another problem had come up; Louisa still wasn't better.

 

But my friends haven't gone anywhere. They're still here. They have enabled me to talk about all of this and to feel less afraid of what is going on. They may not understand all the inner workings of my head, but they have shown me that they don't need to. And I have finally realised that as much as they may sometimes misunderstand the nuances or not know exactly how my mind works, they know me well enough that they don't have to understand absolutely everything. They still care regardless. And that is the most comforting thing in the world.

 

I know that I have under-estimated a lot of people for a long time. For that I am sorry. And I am very thankful for all the people who are with me every step of the way and helping me to feel less afraid and to know that I am not failing anyone.