When you are feeling down and depressed it is very difficult to imagine how you would feel if you weren't down and depressed. It's like when you have a bad bout of the flu and you find it difficult to remember what it was like to be able to breathe without it being a struggle and to think straight without your sinuses being clogged up.
Then there's that feeling that you have when the flu is gone and you feel better. That absence of feeling rubbish and feeling normal is great. But it's difficult to put your finger on because in someways it's not a matter of feeling better, it's the fact that you no longer feel ill. The absence of feeling rubbish. And you're back to normality.
I have written about how I don't feel that I have been myself and the fact that I feel like there is a mask between me and other people. Because of the depression I was behaving and being a person that I considered to be a very poor caricature of myself. And it frustrated me beyond belief. I was so concerned about the fact that other people weren't seeing me for the person that I actually am. And the wonderful thing about feeling better and being honest with people (and writing this blog!) is that people are now seeing the 'real' me.
But what I didn't anticipate is how much feeling better would change how I look at everything. I've tried to describe before how it feels to be getting better. It is difficult to describe because it is the absence of something that has been in the way. It is like there have been road works going on non-stop and now there is that silence after they have stopped. I think it is also like when you have a computer on constantly and you get used the fans buzzing, but then you switch it off and you are suddenly aware that a sound you got used to is gone. Well that's what's going on with me at the moment.
As part of my depression I have had a lot of anxiety. And by anxiety I don't mean 'worrying'. Everyone worries about things now and again, but you tend to think of something that worries you, do something about it or if you can't just put it to the back of your mind, and then get on with things. Sometimes bigger worries stick around and mean that you are preoccupied for most of the day. But for most people (as I understand) they pass. For me for at least the past two years (possibly longer I can't quite place it but I am certain it was in play two years ago) I have been preoccupied and anxious almost every single day. It has distracted me from my work. It has stopped me doing things I would like to do, or saying things I would like to say. It has been like a constant self-critical noise murmuring in the back of my head the whole time. A constant doubt about every decision I make and every situation I am in.
And now it is stopping!
The fact that it is stopping is wonderful. Don't get me wrong! But it is also a bit confusing. That buzzing has been there for a very long time, and I had got used to it. And life without it is exciting but all a bit new!
I also find that there are some things that have happened in the past couple of years and now when I look back I'm a bit confused as to how much the anxiety was affecting my outlook then. It is like someone has suddenly taken a pair of glasses off my face while saying 'hang on this is the wrong prescription'. Life all looks a little bit different.
Now I know that this might sound a bit like the 'other room' feeling that I've talked about before. That sense that I am in a parallel universe. But this time it's not. This is a positive feeling. It is a feeling of having the wool lifted from my eyes. Of having a wall that was in the way knocked down. Of actually being comfortable and calm. And it is an amazing feeling!!!
It's just a very new feeling, and I anticipate it is going to take me a little while to get used to it!
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