Impaired judgment

When you find out (and/or accept and admit) that you have depression and anxiety it can be a relief. You can finally understand why you were feeling so awful all the time, and the incessant worrying has a reason. These are both quite comforting things. You know that you are not just 'nuts'. You're poorly.

 

But I am finding that there is another side to it. As I was writing yesterday, as I feel progressively better it feels like a veil has been lifted and I can suddenly see what a difference being unwell has made to my outlook on life. This is both a welcome discovery and an unsettling one. Things feel very different now. In my case my relationships with some people feel very different. And it is making me look back and question what has been going on. I am looking back on events that have happened in an entirely different light. And it is making me question what I actually thought and felt at the time. And question how much of what I thought and felt was 'genuine' me and how much was caused by the depression and the anxiety.

 

The feeling that something else has had a strong influence on your decisions and actions is a disturbing one. Not knowing the limits of that influence is also troubling.

 

I know that I can't go back and do things again. The exercise that I am now undertaking is more one of rebuilding. But what makes this exercise tricky is that I can't have a 'fresh start' with things. I have to live with the consequences of what happened while I was depressed and at my lowest. I have to accept the things that I did and said. I can't take any of it back and I can't 'blame' the depression for all of it. I just have to build on what I have left. And hope that the depression and the way that I acted while it had a hold of me hasn't done too much damage.

 

I am frequently informed that people who actually matter will understand this and forgive me for things I have said and done. I sincerely hope that that is true.