One thing that has become clear to me as I deal with depression is that I am learning all the time! And my friends are learning too!
I am learning what is behind the thoughts in my head that were bringing me down so much, and in therapy I am learning how to be honest with myself about how I really feel and think about things. My friends have learnt the best ways to deal with me when I do have a dip (they're quite clever people!). And, it sounds strange, but I am also learning to love the fact that sorting out the dips is more of a team effort than ever before - which broadly translates to my having learnt how to ask for help and who I can trust to ask for that help.
However, the most important thing I have learnt this week is that as I am getting better and life is getting steadier the ways to deal with and manage my depression are subtly changing. When I started this blog in September I was still in a fairly bad way. When I had downs they were frequently unexplained and could be quite prolonged. The feelings of being down were still hanging around the whole time, and although I could manage to do day to day things (mostly) I didn't feel that I had any space where I was 'free' of the depression for very long. At that time I wrote about how you can feel down for no apparent reason: that it doesn't depend on have you eaten or not, have you slept or not, has something happened or not. Back then the depression had a force all of its own.
A few months later and I am doing much better, and so the way that depression affects my life and the way that I deal with it has subtly altered. And I have reached the conclusion that not only do different people need different help (because the way that depression affects people is personal and can be very varied) but also the way that you deal with depression in the same person can change over time.
Over the past few weeks I have generally been feeling 'free' of the depression. I have days where I feel free of it all day. It has a much more limited impact on my life. When a thought comes into my head rather than allowing it to take over I can see it as being the 'old depressed me' and put it to one side, and then I feel fine again. My outlook on life has changed a lot and I'm much calmer than I used to be (ok - yes I'm still impatient, but this is all relative!).
But when I look at the downs that I have had over the past few weeks the 'have you eaten?', 'have you slept?', 'has something happened?' questions have become far more relevant.
The times when I have my dips now are times when anyone among us would end up being grumpy. If you don't get a good night's sleep, the next day you feel a bit shit. If you don't get food, you can end up feeling fed up. If something happens which makes you cross, well you are likely to be put out for a bit. The only difference is that for me those things can snowball a bit if given the space to. It becomes much more difficult for me to deal with the depressed thoughts and dismiss them if I am feeling tired, hungry, or am already in a bad mood (i.e. if I'm already feeling weak).
Which is why - and I am fully aware I may be alone in this! - I have loved going back to work this week!!
Routine is now my greatest ally in the world! Going to work means that I need to get up in the morning, that I eat at regular times, that in addition to going to the gym I am walking to work and back every day, and most importantly that I am doing something with my day so that I feel tired and can sleep properly at night. Two of the biggest triggers to my depression are being knocked on the head in one go!
Now, I am not suggesting that routine is a cure-all. I am going to have to make sure that I don't get overly tired, and so taking work steady still has to happen. I also know that I may have the odd day where, for whatever reason, I have thoughts in my head which do lead to a dip. And as far as those sort of thoughts are concerned, well that's what therapy is for! But having a day to day routine is definitely the starting point for giving myself the best chance to actually enjoy days that are free of all the depression stuff.
So there we have it - if I start feeling down anyone is now free to ask 'have you slept properly?' or 'have you eaten properly?'. And if I haven't eaten properly then please feed me! I like pretzels and cookies.
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