Only human

Even if you are someone, like me, who considers the end of one year and the beginning of the next as a quirk in the calendar, it is difficult not to reach a date in the year and look back at what was going on last time that quirk happened.

I think it is fair, honest, and right for me to say that 2012 will probably turn out to have been one of the most important years of my life. Obviously I can be astonished again in the future (life has a way of doing that!). But at the moment 2012 is the year that everything change significantly, and for the better.

A year ago  today I was exhausted. I was suffering from insomnia, anxiety and undiagnosed depression. I had a lovely new boyfriend who in the space of a week had suddenly seen the depressed side of me, and had had to endure a fairly major down on New Year's Day. I knew that things weren't right with me but I couldn't see a way to make any of it any better. I had given up on having a life in which I could be properly happy. I was going through the motions of existing. I didn't really have any feelings other than apathy down to really darkness. And the occasional points of happiness seemed like something that came along once in a blue moon and were incredibly rare.

And if I had sat down and thought about it last year I couldn't have even accepted that there was a problem with that. I knew I wasn't happy with it. But I wasn't doing anything to change it. I had lived like that for a very long time. It was normal. I almost felt like it was who I was, and the part of me that felt like it was all wrong was dismissed as being self-involved, and wanting things I couldn't have. The ever present refrain of  'what are you complaining about, so many other people are so much worse off than you, you're so ungrateful' kept going round and round in my head.

Today everything is quite different. Over the past year a lot has happened: I have lost a very dear grandfather, I have been forced to move house, I have had months of not being paid, I have gone through a break-up, I have taken two overdoses, beaten myself up, harmed myself, done some of my most important work to date, organised two charity karaoke gigs, been admitted to a crisis care centre, started writing a blog, written for Mind so that other people know that they are not by themselves no matter how lonely they feel, started therapy, been honest to my colleagues at work about what's been going on, gone to a couple of brilliant gigs, the list is quite long...!

But most importantly in 2012 I finally asked for and accepted help. I started to be honest about who I am and have started to talk to people about what is really going on in my life. I have told my friends what is going on, I have told the doctor, I have written countless e-mails (not all of which have been sent!), I have written diary entries, and I have written here.

And the upshot is that today life feels very different to how it did a year ago! I feel very different to how I did a year ago. I actually know what I want to be like. I have no idea what I ultimately want out of life - that's all going to be an interesting adventure in itself!! But I finally - after a good ten or more years - have a better idea of who I am.

So 2012 has been a pretty special year!

The thing is that during this past year I did need help. Everyone does once in a while! My help has come from all sorts of places. And there are a fair few people who know how grateful I am that they were there and who hopefully know how much I love them. But one of the most important sources of help for me was the Samaritans.

At the beginning of this blog I said at some point I would talk about fundraising - well here it finally is!

On 24 July 2013 I am starting out from Land's End and will be walking to John O'Groats. I will be walking to raise money for the Samaritans and to raise awareness of depression and how it affects people. As I prepare for it and when I am actually walking I will do my best to keep up with telling people what's going on. I have no idea what to expect, apart from the fact that I expect that my feet will be a bit sore by the end of it!!!

So here's to 2013 - what the hell is going to happen next?!?