It's awfully high up here...

A lot of what I am doing at the moment feels highly counter-intuitive.

In order to recover I am learning to force myself to do nothing. I am having to put effort into relaxing, as it does not come naturally to me! To get out of the depressive slump I am having to get happier with who I am, and in not trying to change myself suddenly I do change and I'm happier. One of these days it feels like I will go to push a door that says pull and it will open!!

Then there are the feelings that become involved. At the moment I am a lot happier than I was last week. Unimaginably happier. And it seems like that should be enough and just a pleasant respite from the past month. But, counter-intuitively, with that respite comes a certain amount of nervousness.

The current 'phase' that I seem to be going through feels unpredictable. Yes, there are explanations for why the past month was quite as shit as it was. Yes, the fact that I've felt ok before means that getting back to that point was always going to be able to happen faster, as I know where I'm going. But there is part of me that starts thinking 'isn't this all going a bit quickly this time?' and 'can I trust this?'.

I have also had the experience over the past month that each time I had dealt with one issue, the next one came close on its tail. It was almost like having a brief moment to get a gasp of air before being pushed underwater again. Whereas this time I seem to be floating on the top a bit. I'm having a chance to get my breath back.

I know none of this will sound like a bad thing. All of this is positive: I'm feeling much better. But I am a planner. More to the point I'm a worrier. I want to be prepared. And there is that small voice in my head which is saying 'what if it happens again?' There is that moment when I wake up in the morning and almost do a quick check of myself 'am I ok today?'.

For me my downs and extreme lows are incredibly scary. They are violent, desperate and all consuming. Thankfully there is a very small group of people who have been around me when they have been as bad as they get. I don't like the idea of scaring other people as well. And so I have very good reason for not wanting to end up there.

It is a difficult truth to accept that I may well end up there again at some point. I probably haven't had my last down. They may get less frequent and less severe but there is still a real possibility that they will happen again, regardless of my best efforts and intentions. And that is a scary reality to face up to and accept.

So while I am very thankful that I am in the fantastic position that I am now, I can also look down and recognise quite what a long way down it is.